YeahSureRight

Vows of All Sorts

Ah, the vow of celibacy. Gives you time to think and not have to worry about the ins and outs of relationships. Does he still like me, do I still like him, what are we doing tonight. Blah, blah, blah. It's all a hassle and I am sick of it. But the vow has ended.

I can now stop putting out the "don't even look at me" vibe and put on some "you can look and possibly touch." It's a much better vibe. Way more fun.

I was talking to the LLS and LLSP last week and being my sister and sister in law about to celebrate their first wedding anniversary, want to see me settled. I would rather flirt with men in Boston and the Republic of Georgia, but I digress. Where do today's young singles go to meet? I have done the internet thing, never again. Tried tapping the friendship pools. Am I reduced to trolling for eligibles in bars?

Long gone are the days when you courted/married the person your parents chose for you. As have the days when you never left the village of your birth and just married who was available who hadn't died from plague. Dating is hard. Especially with my standards - which are not "too picky" as my sisters say. They are selective. I will not settle.

In the forefront of my mind there is a voice. She is loud, reasonably obnoxious, not unlike myself, who keeps a steady cadence with the mantra, "Travel, see the world, get all you can out of all of your experiences." I love that voice. In the back of my mind, there is a smaller voice, equally obnoxious and just as steady, "find a man, get married, have babies."

I am having trouble reconciling these voices and their demands. In most of my relationships, I have felt trapped, burdened by the people I am supposed to want to spend every waking moment with. Constricted by the rules that a relationship puts upon me. But I crave the excitement of those fevered kisses and beautiful caresses. I am constantly thinking while in these situations: Is there someone better out there? Why haven't I found him? Did I miss him somewhere along the way?

I just cannot see liking/loving someone for the rest of my life. My longest relationship lasted 2 years and only one of those was happy. How can you love someone enough to grow with them instead of away from them? How do you make it work through the doubt and the inevitable regret? How do you know you have found THE ONE? Because I certainly haven't, nor do I want to, sometimes.

posted by HelloBettyLou @ 10:13 PM