Wednesday, May 30, 2007

OK, Alright, Hold on a Minute

The 1937 version was way better. The 1952 had no nuance, no conviction, lines were read/said... not conveyed. There was no feeling. It was a simple capitalization on the Stewart Granger-Deborah Kerr affair/success with "King Solomon's Mines."

It was word for word the 1937 script with a few scene direction changes, he hurts his right arm instead of left, they enter the garden and veer right instead of left. Seriously?

All very slapdash.

Sir Mix-a-Lot

I have come to the conclusion that the Banker likes bigger girls. When he talks about former lovers, I get the distinct impression that they had a few extra pounds on them. Now, I have a booty for a white girl and a rather high BMI (body mass index, technically, I'm overweight). Being the decent person that he is, he (who is incredibly in shape...he runs) has never mentioned this to me.

I have been meaning to get healthy for some time now and now is the time to start. I plan on losing 20 pounds by December. I will be healthier, I will reduce my BMI and I will have more energy and a firm butt. In on that note, I give you Sir Mix-A-Lot:

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes me feel so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupy
I've seen them dancin'
The hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!

(LA face with Oakland booty)
Baby got back!

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Watchin' these bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas, I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck*
Til the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}
If you wanna role in my Mercedes {Yeah!}
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!

Baby got back!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing!
Give me a sista, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
'Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So ladies, if the butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back!

Prisoner of Douglas Fairbank, Jr.

I was watching The Prisoner of Zenda last night with Cocoa the Wonder Kitty. She wasn't too interested but I was enthralled. I got it because I wanted the 1952 Stewart Granger/Deborah Kerr version (you know how I like Stewart Granger, and luckily, the DVD was a twofer as it also had the 1937 Ronald Colman/Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. edition on it and it was fantastic. Fairbanks is so confidently rakish, the role he played (bad ass count) perfectly suited to him. David Niven was witty and sweet and Colman was incredibly likable in his double role.

So tonight, Stew and I have a date.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Yeah, Whatever

As I sat in my second hour of traffic, I realized 120th was way to far to go with gas prices as they are and the fact that my dues are probably going toward the organizer's gas fund. So I got off the highway and went home. I am cooking spinach and fish, not together, but paired.

I am trying to eat healthier.

And they taste so good.

C'est Moi

Apparently, I have a "righteous man, a fan" (translation site translation) who reads my blog. Cool.

Housing Scrabble

I am so despareate, I would live here.

So Vieve and I are looking for a house. We can't get a hold of Daria, ever so we are just going to find a house by ourselves and just make her live in it. Kidding...but we can't get a hold of her and V's and my schedule is pretty similar and we live so close together that it is easier for us to get together and find a house. Anyway...

We had an appointment to look at a house in the area we want, but the woman didn't have a key (current tenants forgot to leave her one). So we looked in the windows and rescheduled. We are going back to look at it on Wednesday. But when we were exploring the neighborhood (something that required better shoes than the ones I was wearing) we found a few more and made appointments to see them. And on Appointment Day they had been rented. This has happened before. Why schedule a walk thru when someone is in the process is applying for the rental? It's very frustrating for the people that have to schlep down there only to get the message that it has been rented.

Went to a Memorial Day party at Jo's house yesterday. Very fun, brought the Banker along and then convinced him to take me to the walk thru that wasn't. Then dinner and a movie at his place. It was another 12 hour date.

Friday, May 25, 2007

So, I'm Sleepin'

Because I'm tired. It's been a long week and I still have one more day to get through (and it's gonna suck because no one is in the office today, I hate being the Office Bitch). Anyway, I am happily in dreamy land, a mystical place where I am sated and worshipped by throngs of adoring people, when I get a ringy ringy in my ear. Since I sleep next to my phone (The Banker was scheduled to call, this schedule is solely in my head, but it's fairly accurate. I didn't think I would fall asleep so fast though) so I assumed it was him, as much as I could assume in my REMy like state. It was (caller ID). He's texting me to see if I can talk. Obviously, I can barely see, let alone type, so I tell him I will talk to him later. A few more messages follow to which I reply the same thing, "I will talk to you later, sleeping." Come this morning, I find out he was once again drunk texting me. Seriously? Dude!

Also, I joined a writers club. My first meeting is on Tuesday.

I was watching "Walk the Line" and "Girl with a Pearl Earring" last night before I left the pups and I have come to the conclusion that every time a wife is jealous onscreen, she uses the word "obscene." A lot.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

This is How it Starts

I was flipping through the news this morning. Well not actually flipping, as I read my news online. Anyway, I came across this. This is a great day in science, but you know whose going to take it and run, like a spoiled 5 year old? The religious groups. I can see it now: If a shark can do it, why can't a person (namely, Mary, oh great goddess of the cover-up fake out). People will start to claim virgin births, all hell will break loose. Promiscuity will somehow be OK (if you get pregnant, just claim "Virgin Birth!" It will be the new catch phrase). There will be sermons and television programs and pamphlets and books.

This is totally going to overshadow the last Harry Potter book release in July. I can feel it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

About Last Night

The Banker Tipsy Dialed me last night as he was leaving the bar with his new employee (also known as the Office Bitch, I named him that). He hinted at wanting me to come pick him up, but I had responsibilities to the pups that I am watching and I really didn't want to three peat leaving him in the wee hours. Plus, I would have had to shave my legs...

He called me again about 20 minutes later saying he got home already (by cab) and then we had a discussion on weddings. Totally random, but that is how we roll.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Bitter? No, Not Me

I am not bitter or sad that my younger sisters are getting married and having babies before me and you know why?


I can do anything I want without consequence or repercussion. I am not legally bound to another person who has a good chance of pissing me off for the next 50 years and I don't like children. They are unruly and annoying. I like being able to do ANYTHING I WANT!


Monday, May 21, 2007

Look Who I Met

I went to the Greg Behrendt show on Saturday and it was fabulous. And I met him and told him he was great and funny and a blur of other things.


I'm not allowed to fall in love with the man I'm sleeping with. Interesting situation I've gotten myself into, ey?

But this is why you have girlfriends. they help you rationalize things like this.

Joanna: About this guy... I think men have this need to mention that in the beginning because women tend to jump the gun. I would play it cool and just have some fun. If you find yourself getting really wrapped up, end it. But you all have only been out a few times, it's much too soon to determine anything. And remember, if he is on Match something tells me he is looking for something more than a casual hook up.

Best Friends Rock!!

I would like you all to meet my new phone. It's is glorious an beautiful and comes with many things my old one did not (I was scheduled for an upgrade which means 100 bucks off and so I took it). It is so pretty and clear sounding and texting is all the more easy with its full key pad.

All said and done, the phone, case, and earpiece (for safe driving, I'm all about the safety) cost me $110.00

Friday, May 18, 2007

Nugget Watch '07

New update: If you read the comments you will already know this. Nugget is OK. A new doctor took a look and said the baby was fine and didn't see a problem.

Big sigh, people, big sigh.

Also, pregnancy books are SCARY!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Is My Dork Showing

Hell yeah it is. I made an Aida mix CD last night. Verdi and Elton John. I am such a dweeb.

And it's messing up my reality. I know the story, I want the story. I am not comforted by the seemingly happy/tragic/hopeful ending.


Free Night

The grandparents have left the building, the state, the zip code. I do not have to have dinner with anyone tonight so I am going to go home and watch Grey's Anatomy in the peace and quiet of my aloneless. For this I turned off my phone and no one called, as I discovered the next morning, you all suck!

Last night we had a rousing political discussion, during which I listened and said mostly nothing. I know nothing of politics of the recent history of it. I only know what CNN media tells me. I choose not to know, it's boring to b honest.

My family is incredibly smart, that's what I know.

Also, I made an Aida mix (Verdi and Elton John). My dork is rising.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Love is a Dangerous Game

The reign of is soon to be at an end. My subscription ends on Friday and honestly, I'm glad.

Dating sucks.

And most of the people that looked at my profile look like they still live with their mother or are/could one day be serial killers.

Also, the Banker told me, quite diplomatically, that he was going to continue to see other people. He really isn't looking for a relationship, I can tell. I, however, am. It may turn into something, it may not. We are going out on Friday so we'll see.

I did start emailing a new batch today, so we will see what develops in the next 2 days.

PS - At dinner tonight, mom offered to pay for another 3 months. Hopefully we'll get that 6 months free deal. Maybe I should be thinking I'll meet someone special, huh?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Rain, Rain Go Away

I was driving in this. I had to pull over in a grocery store parking lot so I wouldn't die. It was scary man.

Nugget Watch '07

Further complications on the baby front for Youngest. First it was pregnancy induced blood clots, now she has too little amniotic fluid. This can be for several reasons. It could be all her fault or it could be something with the baby. Like a kidney issue (most of the amniotic fluid is urine from the baby) and too little might mean kidney underdevelopment.

Or it could be nothing and the baby is fine.

I am hopeful but I still worry.

This happens in about 8 out of 100 pregnacies and the only thing you can do is go to your doctor's appointments and monitor it.

Mom is worried sick.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Who Needs Sleep

I can't sleep. I think it was that slice of graduation cake I had this afternoon with the family. So many days of family and it's not over yet. I am having dinner with everyone tomorrow night too.

But the Banker called me today and we are going out on Friday and I am going out with Jo on Saturday to see Greg Behrendt. So yea!

Everyone kept asking me if I was happy this weekend and I think I am, at least that's what I told everyone...except now for this no sleep thing.

Sunday, May 13, 2007


So, Youngest has graduated. Well, she had the ceremony, but she is not officially out of school. She has one more class to take and then she will be done. That's what you get or getting a C- in photography. It was a lovely ceremony, long, but lovely. Youngest was in the first row to be called so we had to wait through everyone else to get done.

OK, what is the deal with the air horns? They are rude, immature and it's not like they can't hear you from the stands. I could hear every cheer group and I am partially deaf in my left ear (from all that loud music dad warned me about). Seriously, get a clue.

We all had dinner together before hand with our grandparents and Baby Daddy's parents, who are super nice and sweet.

We had much time to kill after that so we went to Baby Daddy's house and lounged.

Then it was off to the ceremony and the many hours of names to be read and at midnight we arrived home after trying to find a bathroom that was open in the whole of Northern Middle.

Also, the dean of the college disparaged my school in her speech. Bitch!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Sneaky Buggers

My Parents: Naughty

My Sister Who Cannot Keep a Secret: Can keep one.

I went to dinner at the parent's house in the thought that my grandparents would be there. They were not but we were promised a mystery guest later that night. Youngest and I made predictions, all were shot down.

Well, guess whose at airport pick up at 9pm? The LLS! She who cannot keep a secret (we thought she wasn't coming to the graduation, oh, Youngest is graduating from college on Saturday) kept one and for three weeks at that.

Also, I saw the ultrasound of Nephew and he has, from what I can make out, all the bones in his left arm, a knee cap, two cheeks, a nose, a head and a penis. He is healthy and perfect and right on schedule. Also, Youngest is huge and her boobs are massive.

I still can't get over the fact that LLS kept this to herself. I talked to her on Wednesday! This has never happened before, she always cracks and leaks something.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Customer Service

Home Depot is staffed by...many, many mean words.

I went in there this week to check the status of a few credit card applications for some of my company's properties. I go to the service desk and ask for help with just that and the woman behind the counter gives me a phone number. It's a little odd because it's a local number, but I am in a hurry, it's hot and I hate the smell in Home Depot, all pesticidey and whatnot. Today I finally have a chance to call the number and get everything straightened out and the number is for the store I WAS FUCKING IN ON MONDAY. Seriously? YES! So that means, since we need the cards now, I have to go back to the store and apply for the cards there and hopefully I won't be helped by the woman who I talked to on Monday.

I used to work in Customer Service, I was helpful, she just didn't want to help.

And then I went down there again today and Keenon, Great God of the Depot, helped me and is getting my cards to me today. Hooray.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007


We have confirmation from reliable medical personnel that Nephnie is a nephew.

And the villagers rejoice.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I Never Have to Shop Again

The Cinco de Mayo party was a success. I work best under pressure and I think one day's notice in plenty of pressure. Everyone I invited came, except Jo, but she had a valid excuse (she was working the big city-wide party downtown).

I cleaned the house the night before, and it's still pretty clean. I got up early and made guacamole (and I must say for my for my first solo attempt, it was fantastic). Mom and Dad were the first to arrive and thy brought cake! (and meatballs). Which seeing as how I live alone and am single, I am eating it for dinner.

Then Gen came with the indoor grill and I set that up, getting ready to BBQ.

Finally, Daria and Brian showed up with the pinata, whom we named Jorge. They also brought guac, and many other things (like I said, I don't have to shop for a while). We enjoyed burgers and turkey dogs (Daria doesn't eat things with noses). We talked and then we took Jorge to meet his destiny and be destroyed by the bat of, well, destiny. Actually, I think it was a Louisville Slugger, but I digress.

We had a blindfold and we spun and we whacked him into oblivion. He was filled with candy, condoms and office supplies. A good haul that I got to keep.

Anyway, so then Gen had to go and B, D and I played board games for a while and watch the Kentucky Derby.

Then, being exhausted from cleaning the house until midnight and getting up early to do hostess things, they left and I watched TV. I tried to nap, but it didn't work so I cleaned up and went to bed. It was a very fun party.

I also learned how to make a pretty decent Margarita.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Odd Findings

I found a used condom wrapper on my floor this morning and while I am sure it is from sex days gone past (as I have not had sex in that bed in quite a while), I am also paranoid that people are sneaking into my house while I am at work and having sex in my bed. While I commend them for being safe, EWWWWWW!

Also, I would be so embarrassed to have people at my house, it's a pit. Which brings me to the following point:

I am having a Cinco de Mayo party tomorrow. My house is clean, the laundry is about to be put away and the food is bought. The sodas are chilling on the patio/balcony (there is no room in the fridge). I am excited. It's my first party in months. I am due.

Old People Smell

What I smell like

What I'm using

I smell like old lady.

This being summer, when the weather gets warmer, the amount of clothing I wear lessens by a certain degree. So I am trying to get my skin ready for it's show. And by that I mean moisturizing like you wouldn't believe. So last night I took the suggestion of a friend and bought some body oil for after shower moisturization. I am soft, but I smell like an old lady. It's a sesame formula so I smell like grape seed oil and almonds. Not the best. I thought it smelled familiar and then I realized I smelled like my grandma. I will have to get a new formula this weekend.

Also, it is almost Cinqo de Mayo and Vieve and I want to do something, but no one else does.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Look Who Learned to Upload

Me and I love it.

Nugget Watch '07

In exactly one week, we will find out the sex of the Nugget, also known as Nephnie. I want a girl, Youngest and Baby Daddy want a boy. Which I don't get. They have only known girls growing up. Youngest has me and the LLS and BD only has sisters too. Maybe they want a change, or maybe it's easier to raise boys. I don't know.

I still want a girl. But it will be a boy.

Look at the cuteness she could wear. And girls don't pee on you.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

She Was Mean to Me

I was made to feel badly about my job for the first time yesterday when a resident from one of our properties came down to have a talk with our Regional Manager.

For one thing, why do so many people just drop in? It's a waste of time especially if the person they need to see is unavailable or not here (which happens a lot).

But I digress...

This woman said to me, "I can't speak to just a clerk." That hurt, lady. I am a valuable member of the team. I am not a clerk. I am an Office Goddess and she should recognise that. The flowers and card on my desk speak to this fact.


Blue Nude, Picasso, 1902

May Day - A Musical Lament

I was talking to the Banker the other day about the shows and music that defined our generation. As he is 4 years older than I am , he had “Beverly Hills, 90210” as a show that defined his generation. What do I have? There are no shows that so defined a group of people growing up in the early 1990s.

And musically, we are screwed. I do not want to be known as the generation that had the Backstreet Boys and N*Sync as the most popular bands in the world. We don’t have a Jimi Hendrix or the Doors, or Janis Joplin (who I heard on my way in this morning, (Cry, Baby). We don’t have a figure or a sound that speaks for us or who we are. And that is sad.

Does this mean we are definition-less? Indescribable? Speechlessness inducing? Or just too annoying to put words to?

I guess I could just go on enjoying and claiming the music of the past. I am one of the few people I know who likes and can appreciate the musicality of James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Janis and Eric Clapton; as well as most of the music from the generation previous to that.

Oh, and happy May Day. It is a beautiful one here in the Middle. I NEED A MAYPOLE!