Monday, April 30, 2007

Lips - A Great Word and So Much More

I have several broken capillaries in my lips. I look abused, but I'm not. You can only really see it in my upper lip, there is a purple mark to the right of the cleft. If I showed you the inside of my lower lip though, you'd see something there too, but I do not make it a habit to flip my lips.

These are my "battle wounds" from Saturday night/Sunday morning.

The Banker is a great kisser.

I'm such a slag, I love to kiss and tell.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Utter Amazment

I just got back from the best date ever with the Banker. At first I thought we were going to slip into the Friend Zone...but we didn't and I hope we don't (oh, the silly girl thoughts abound).

Best Line of the Night: I'm sorry I want you so much.


Friday, April 27, 2007

Oh, Now That's Just Icky

I just got an email from a man who is OLDER! than my Daddy (and Mom for that matter, as she is older than him, by about 6 weeks). No picture on the profile, barely any description (he says he's private...hello serial killer), which means he's ugly, fat and a killer...Fun!

Friday, Thou Hast Betrayed Me

I used to love Fridays. I usually got off work early. The work was light because it could always wait until Monday.

Now, that's all changed. It can't wait until Monday. It has to be done today because any other day will be too late. There are deadlines within government institutions. And since I work for a company that works with the government (no, I do not have any special clearances, at least none that anyone would want to steal or kidnap me for) I have to abide by them.

I am run ragged on Fridays. I get more stuff done in one Friday morning than I do every other morning preceding that.

I am tired...At least the weather is nice and I got to get out of the office for a while today...To wait on Kenny, the slowest clerk at Office Depot. I always get stuck with him and it drives me nuts. Also, he has really bad breath.

On a happier note, I am going to the baseball game with the Banker tomorrow so I have that to look forward to. And I haven't gotten an email from the sociopath lately.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Everyone Dies!

I finally found out the ending. Everyone dies, is shot, raped or loses a brother (2 really). Charlie gets out alive but battered mentally and physically.

Yea, finally!

The guy on the right has been shot in this picture, he is watching the sunset with his brother as he dies.

The Propsition

I finally figured out why I can't find out what happens at the end of "The Proposition." Sure I've found sites about the movie, the writer, director, the actors and even the cinematography, but nothing about the ending.

No one has been able to sit through it to the end. It's an incredibly dull and slow paced movie so I can see why and totally understand.

But I still want to know.

I Have a Daddy, Thank You!

He could be my father. EWWW!

And he's none too picky either.

I have got to get off this website.

In case you can't see him, he's 46, willing to date anyone between the ages of 18 and 60. That says a lot about him.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Several Things

I went to meet Kristie for coffee on Sunday night [completely throwing off my eating schedule (I have to eat at certain times or I get sick and then I don't want to eat, which makes me sicker)], Anyway, as I was driving behind this incredibly slow person, I mean snails were passing us, couldn't pass because both lanes were going pretty slow. No traffic mind you, just slow. Here's the point: I saw a bird fall from the sky and partially splatter on the asphalt. It was incredibly disturbing.

How does this still get sanctioned in public schools? Oh yeah, it's the south and race relations are still tenuous at best down there. But still, seriously? This is 2007.

Kristie's wedding is coming up and so we met, as stated above, so I could give her the glorious present (programmable coffee maker) and to talk. We talked in that Starbucks for 3 hours. I got all the wedding details and was tentatively invited to the pre-wedding diner breakfast. I think I was only invited because I complained that she wasn't having a shower and I had already bought her a shower card. Anyway...I got all the wedding details and it all sounds like the most fun wedding ever.

I have been slowly losing my sense of smell over the last few weeks which either means the disease has spread to my brain and now I must be destroyed or it's allergies. You draw your own conclusions.

It's Administrative Professionals Day and being one, and apparently a good one, I was surprised by flowers and a card this morning. It made me smile and feel special.

Moulin Rouge! is skewing my sense of reality. It's the AMC movie of the month and while I do not think of it as an American Movie Classic, although it did revolutionize the concept of the movie musical and shake that genre from it's dusty grave, it's messin' me up man. It's on pretty much constantly so I have to watch it and now I have all these absurd notions running willynilly through my head. Romantic notions that involve Banker (B#10's new name) and silly little fantasies too. It's juvenile and beneath me.

Banker and I have talked on the phone an average of 4 times a week since our date and daily with emails. It's hard when he lives somewhat far away and we can only see each other on random weekends. But he is moving into town next month so hopefully that will change....See. High school girl thoughts. That movie has messed me up.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Pigtails and Bankers

I spent 3 hours putting away my laundry and cleaning my closet. I didn't think it would take that long, jeez, 3 hours! And I still have to do it again tomorrow when I do the wash for this week.

So, this week has been pretty good. I finished the employee manual at work (something they have been meaning to do for quite some time). I just need to print the covers and put everything together. That is my job for Monday.

Things with Bachelor #10 are going very well. We've talked a couple of times this week and he is going to call me tonight. He is going to be in town next week so I suggested a baseball game. I got pretty cheap tickets so we could talk and enjoy the warm weather.

My hair has grown out enough so that I can make two very small little pigtails. I can't wait until I can do a real one. I've had short hair for so long that I miss the longer style. It's so much more versatile.

I still need to give Kristi her wedding gift. It's been sitting in my living room since I bought it.

The house feels a lot bigger now that it's reasonably clean.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

It's Everywhere

I have cat hair up my nose.

It's not nice.

I am totally willing to shave that cat to curb this problem.

Don't think I won't do it.

The Verdict is In

Guilty of manslaughter, 2-6 years, forever a murderer in the eyes of her kids and community, whom she will probably never see again. The church will take care of that.

I Know How He Felt

Editors Note: This is just one shallow view of the whole situation. It is not meant to diminish her pain or question why she did it, it's not my place (there's a jury for that).

Usually, being the righteous neo-feminist that I am, I side with the wife in spousicide cases. Because, oftentimes, the guys deserved to be shot in the back or bludgeoned with a tire iron. They are usually philandering, abusive, bullying assholes.

I have been following the Mary Winkler case since it broke last year and today, I gotta say, I know why he made her dress up in those outfits for sex:

Mary is sixteen different shades of ugly.

I will admit that sometimes when I am with someone in an intimate situation, I have to fantasize about someone else to get certain jobs done. OK, it was with one person, the last BF, Fidget. But I have never made them dress up and disguise themselves for this purpose.

But I can see why the late reverend had to. OY!

And, yes, your "ugly did come out."

PS - You don't bring a shotgun to talk: "Mary Winkler testified Wednesday that her husband had abused her physically and sexually, but she said the shotgun went off accidentally as she pointed it at him. She said she had just wanted to talk to him."

“I didn’t have to do this."

And, yet you did.

Ah, the ramblings of a dead psychopath.

Supplies Surprise

Is it wrong or sad that I was incredibly excited when I realized that I had ordered the self adhesive document envelopes for work?

Yeah, that's my life. My heart skips a beat over envelopes. Manila envelopes.

So Tired

Thank goodness there is coffee and Gatorade.

I am going to write a true review of the concert I saw last night so you have to wait while I do my research. It was fun though. Also, the over 40 shouldn't drink too much and try to be groupie-like. Just sad.

I got Youngest's graduation announcement yesterday. I can't believe she is graduating from college. It feels like just yesterday that she was graduating high school or I was excluding her from the clubhouse the LLS and I set up in our backyard in San Diego (these incidents were many years apart). She's an adult and a mommie now. Wow. Must buy presents.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Christ on a Cracker

Let me preface this little outburst with some background: I do not give my phone number out, I had a situation with a former co-worker who got my number and started calling me daily when I was in college. The practice had fallen by the wayside, but was reinstated when I started the whole thing.

This rant, if you can all it that, is in response to


Who said I had baggage and that I was scared because I wouldn't give him my number. Even after I explained the stalker situation to him. So there you go:

I do not have baggage, I just don't have time for fucked up ex-soldiers with a chip on their shoulder. NO TIME.

I have much better things to do, like talk to gunsmiths and psychotics.

PS - It's not baggage, it's informed judgment and decision making.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

And Yet, There is Hope


"House" Call

He called me during "House" and I didn't mind...too much. We talked for an hour, very flirty this time. I think it's progressing nicely.

Mostly music, family, relationships, etc.

One of my Match guys started getting weird on me, the douche from last week, you remember. Get this, he lived with his mother until last week. How do I keep attracting these guys. Seriously. So I told him we could only be friends and he seems OK with that (although his account ends soon and I am tempted to never email him again, is that evil?). Thank goodness I didn't tell him where I lived or give him my phone number. We could have had another stalker incident (story for another time).

PS - This is my 366th post. 365 plus a leap year and I have you all to thank. Without you, this blog would be no where. That doesn't mean you should stop commenting, which many of you have and I know my readership has gone up and down. But you core people make it all worthwhile. The rest of ya can bite me.

Evil Brewing

The sky is gun metal grey, like it knows not to be sunny. It feels almost like we were due for another school shooting. Like there is this horrible schedule written in hell's version of Microsoft Outlook and the little reminder popped up. I can't wrap my head around it all. How could any one believe that going to a school and killing people is going to change/make better/alter anything. The guy was right in between LLS and Youngest, age-wise. And he killed people who were just stating their lives as real people. I know how much I grew in college and he took that away from them (most of them were just babies). And for that he deserves his place in an unyielding afterlife. One of torment and pain, all the pain that those 33 families are going through right now and will for the rest of their lives.

And please don't try to explain this with, "oh, he was just sick." It doesn't help especially if you are looking at it from ACROSS AN OCEAN! All of us are sick in our own way and we don't all go around locking people in rooms and opening fire.

We don't all snap.

We don't do this.

Why does this happen?


PS - We are not immune to this kind of thing as suggested by Mr. Gerard Butler of the London Times, and we do not breed this type of behavior or condone it.

Monday, April 16, 2007


I finished Spook last night and started on Death's Acre, which is about the body farm in Tennessee. They are written in a very similar style and I recommend both to you.

Spook is a discussion on the existence of the soul and whether or not there is life after death, ghosts, reincarnation, if mediums can talk to the dead and if consciousness exists after the body is gone. It's really fascinating how she does her research. And Mary Roach is funny, which is how I think you should approach death. With a giggle.

It is my second Roach and I plan on reading all her works.

Death's Acre is about William Bass' life as a forensic anthropologist. He takes you into some of his cases and teaches you why it is necessary to keep a wooded area in Tennessee scattered with corpses. I am only a few pages in but I like it.

Yes, I know I am weird. I like grave markers too.


I feel really bad about following my last post with this one, but I just watched "Living in Oblivion" and let me tell! I was reading this book last year called "Creative Careers in Hollywood" which takes portrayals of jobs pertaining to movies and discusses how real or not they are envisioned on film. And LIO was one of the movies described in several chapters. It looks at several people and their role in the inner workings of a picture. So I had to see it. I did tonight and it is brilliant. But almost so much that it was trying to be.

Also, some used movies I ordered came in today and Bachelor #10 (I think that's his number) emailed me tonight.

Keep Them In Your Thoughts

I remember Columbine. I was leaving school in the middle of the day to take lunch at home (I had 2 periods in a row off). And as I was walking out of the courtyard I saw this kid, Chris, walking up and he was crying. I figured it was something silly, like he didn't make it into a show or something and then I turned the TV on when I got home. And there is was and the Middle was the center of attention for about 5 weeks (which is funny, because far worse things happen half a world away and they get minute blurbs in

They talked about how it was wrong to put up crosses for the boys who did the shootings after they died; about how this could have been prevented if they had only kept closer eye on them; about how we should arm the teachers; about how this was a wake up call to all schools.

Songs were made up, licence plates were produced, stickers were distributed.

And all we learned was, no matter how many metal detectors or rules you install (no backpacks is a personal favorite), if you really wanted to, you can go anywhere and 33 people will soon lie on a slab in Blacksburg, Virginia.

Youngest is going to be a teacher, I am fearful.

Oh, Memories

Today was the Boston Marathon. When I was a sophomore in college, I met Steve the Ass right before he left for this marathon. It was one of the things that impressed me about him, that he was willing and able to run 30 miles a day.

He called me the night before from Boston, it made me feel special. He called me from New Orleans too some time after that during Spring Break (I would later realize that he called me when he was tempted to cheat).

I got up early to see if I could make him out in the crowd. I thought I saw him but I probably didn't.

That was the good time in our relationship as were the next 5 months. The 7 months after that were good and the 12 after that were horrid.

Slacker Weekend

I was not productive at all this weekend. I slept most of Saturday. Yes, I got up before 9, but I took a 3 hour nap some tome after 1pm. Total lazy bum. And on Sunday I did get up early for my date so I could look as cute as could be, which I did.

I also had to make a trek to the Land of Parents to hand over my car title to Youngest. I gave her my Saturn when I bought the Egg in 2005 and had yet to put it in anyone else's name. Legally, it was still mine until about 4pm on Saturday when I signed the back and put it in an envelope.

I feel naked without it.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Sunday Brunch

It was a good date. We talked for 2 hours straight (until he had to go look at some apartments, one of the reasons he was in town).

He also paid, didn't eat with his fingers and walked me to my car, a stunning improvement from my last few dates.

It was great.

Wedding Bells II

So I bought Kristi and Denny's wedding gift last night along with 28 pounds of kitty litter, fuel and milk.

Now, the registry is a miracle. You get to say to people, "Go to this store, buy these certain things and then give them to us with a nice card and a smile on your face." No surprises, no weird things you get to say thanks for but run as fast as you can to the nearest store to unload.

Unless you get a rogue. Some crazy relative who insists on getting you a serving tray in the shape of a fish.

I got then a coffee maker, which I know they will use because it was on the registry and whenever K and I get together, we get coffee.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Holy Obscure Celebrity Reference, BettyLou

I swear to God I saw Burt Ward on my way home from work yesterday. In a silver sedan. Drivin' down Monaco.

Serial Killers

I was just looking at whose viewed me on Match (1096, thank you very much) and I just noticed how so many of these people look like potential serial killers.

Now that is spooky.

Oh, the Weirdness

So, I just got back from Luz's birthday party. It was fun, for once I wasn't the only white person, there were 3 others this time. One of which was really cute and we talked for a few hours. Anyway, I get home and this is in my inbox:

Dear Elizabeth,

I got some bad news girl, I was just kicked out of my house this week so I don't think I will be making it to Boulder for this weekend. I am really sorry for your inconvenience or your trouble, or your eventual heart ache.

P.S. I really enjoyed reading your emails everyday and to be honest they always cheered me up. So thanks again girl for your companionship in this Internet world, so long and farewell and I wish you good luck on your future Match, I know you will find him.


What the hell?

You got kicked out this week and you decide to impart this knowledge on me less than 24 hours before our date?

And he wrote me every day, not the other way around, he was insistent on hearing about my day.

So I am free tomorrow, all day.

What a douche.

Also, I hate being called "girl."

And who does he think he is with all this "eventual heartache" blather?

Anyway, I wished him good luck, godspeed and whatnot.

Friday, April 13, 2007


That 20% just turned into 100%. It's snowing.

Fuck a Duck, I'm Bored

All the bosses are gone, so I am not doing their meaningless work tripe.

I am bored.

I guess I better clean out some file drawers for the new properties to use.


Ewww! Gross!

I was just in the bathroom and a woman, after using the facilities and before washing her hands, pushed down on the towel dispenser to get a towel. Ew! And this was while I was washing my hands so I know there were germs there.

I had to Purell my hands after washing them and touching that handle.

People, it's OK to get the towel dispenser going before using the facilities or after washing your hands, but after you use and before you wash is gross!

Wedding Bells

I got Kristi's wedding invitation in the mail and I was super excited. It's the first one ever sent to me and me alone. Not my parents, not my family, ME!

And then I was rudely shaken from this bliss by the fact that Youngest is graduating from college that night. Bah. It's an hour and a half away in the northern Middle and the wedding is 10 minutes from my house. Can't do both.

I really wish I could have seen K in her wedding dress and Denny in his suit and all that. It would have been a cool wedding. They are cool people.

But you have to understand that the universe knows what it's doing when it throws that sucker punch.

Besides, the LLS isn't coming so I have to represent the sisters at this ceremony.

I am going to get K a kick-ass wedding gift though. I have her registry in front of me now. Much to choose from.

I should probably get Youngest something too, huh?

The Boss's Kid

All the bosses are gone today.

My supervisor is taking the day off because her birthday is on Sunday.

The big boss and his son-in-law are gone because son-in-law's youngest child, Owen, is having surgery today. I don't know on what (I think it's on his sinuses), but the whole clan is at the hospital to be together and with him.

He's only 4 or 5 so I think we should all send good thoughts out into the universe to help him on a speedy recovery. Since he is a boy and sending out pink (positive, powerful color) thoughts would be weird, let's send out purple ones (blue for a boy and pink mixed together)

Friday the 13th

Ohh, spooky.

Since I am a firm believer in the theory that if you learn about something, you will fear it less, I am going to teach you about the number 13 and the fear of it, Triskaidekaphobia.


Thirteen may be considered a "bad" number simply because it is one more than 12, which is a popularly used number in many cultures (possibly due to it being a highly composite number). When a group of 13 objects is divided into two, three, four or six equal groups, there is always one leftover object.

Some Christian traditions have it that at the Last Supper Judas, the disciple who betrayed Jesus, was the 13th to sit at the table, and that for this reason 13 is considered to carry a curse of sorts.

Fear of 13 has also been linked to that fact that a lunisolar calendar must have 13 months in some years, while the solar Gregorian calendar and lunar Islamic calendar always have 12 months in a year.

Triskaidekaphobia may have also affected the Vikings — it is believed that Loki in the Norse pantheon was the 13th god. More specifically, Loki was believed to have engineered the murder of Balder, and was the 13th guest to arrive at the funeral. This is perhaps related to the superstition that if thirteen people gather, one of them will die in the following year. This was later Christianized in some traditions into saying that Satan was the 13th angel.

The Mesopotamian Code of Hammurabi (ca. 1760 BC) omits 13 in its numbered list. This seems to indicate a superstition existed long before the Christian era.

See also Friday the 13th for information concerning the traditions and superstitions surrounding this supposedly unlucky day.


An elevator without a 13<span class=
An elevator without a 13th-floor button.

13mm is a very common size when it comes to nuts and bolts. However, Japanese car manufactures such as Nissan and Toyota do not have one single 13mm nut or bolt in their cars.

Some buildings such as One Canada Square in Canary Wharf (the tallest building in the UK) number their floors so as to skip the thirteenth floor entirely, jumping from the 12th floor to the 14th floor in order to avoid distressing triskaidekaphobics, or the building will have 12th floor and floor 12a or 12b instead. Many hotel/casino mega resorts in Las Vegas also lack a 13th floor. This is often applied to home or hotel room numbers as well, and the same is also true of rows in airplanes, as well as cabins aboard cruise ships.

The composer Arnold Schoenberg (ironically born on the 13th) suffered from triskaidekaphobia. He was convinced that he would die aged 76 (because 7+6 = 13). Not only did his premonition come true, he also died on Friday 13 July (another 13: Friday is the sixth day of the week - beginning on Sunday - and July is the seventh month, making 6+7=13) at 11:47 PM - 13 minutes to midnight. Also, adding the numbers 1, 1, 4, and 7 brings up a total of 13.

The Nazi fighter plane developed from the He-112 was designated He-100 in order to avoid the designation Heinkel He 113, which was considered unlucky. In the United States, there has never been a F-13 fighter aircraft due to many pilots being superstitious. The Grumman F-14 Tomcat directly followed the Lockheed YF-12 (a prototype interceptor aircraft which was a close relative of the famed SR-71 Blackbird).

American singer-songwriter John Mayer had 14 tracks on his album Room for Squares, although the 13th is 0.2 seconds of silence and is not listed on the album cover. Likewise, Hot Hot Heat's album Elevator does not list a 13th track on its cover. On the CD the 13th track is four seconds of noise. The reasoning behind it was that since some buildings do not have 13th floors, an elevator would not have a button for it.

Some refer to the near-fatal Apollo 13 mission to the moon as proof of 13 being unlucky. Apollo 13 was launched at 14:13 EST on April 11, 1970 (11/4/70, digits summing to 13) from Complex 39 (three times thirteen). Widespread rumors that it launched at 13:13 local time (EST) are incorrect,[1] although it is true that this corresponds to 13:13 CST - the local time in Houston, Texas, the location of mission control. Apparently, Apollo 13 was also going to go through LOI Lunar Orbit Injection on April 13. Others have noted that for a supposedly unlucky mission, the fact that the crippling accident occurred when the crew was best equipped to cope with it is a lucky occurrence in itself.

The Spanish motor racer Ángel Nieto is famous for saying that he achieved 12 + 1 World Motorcycling Championships. A bio-pic about him is thus titled 12 + 1.

The characters Stan and Hilda Ogden, in the English TV series Coronation Street, lived at 12a Coronation Street to avoid their address being number 13.

In Formula 1, there is no car with the number 13. The number has been removed after 2 drivers were killed in crashes — both driving cars numbered 13, however cars without the number 13 regularly crash as well.

The arrest and murder of the Knights Templar occurred on Friday October 13, 1307. This event is said to be the origin of the supposed unluckiness of Friday the 13th.

Memphis International Airport in Memphis, TN does not have Gate A13, B13, or C13. Long Island MacArthur Airport in Islip, New York does not have a gate 13, instead having doors labeled 12, 12A, and 14. Also, the Birmingham International Airport in Birmingham, AL does not contain a gate C13.

In the Disney film The Rescuers, one of the main characters, the mouse Bernard is highly triskaidekaphobic, refusing to step on the thirteenth step of a ladder or stairway. He is shocked to discover that his flight on Orville the albatross is Flight Thirteen.

In San Francisco, the north/south street between 12th and 14th Avenues is called Funston Avenue. However, this is apparently a more recent development because some blocks still have 13th Avenue carved into the curb along its length.

On Friday 13 May 1992, several tornadoes occurred in small hill country towns of Texas. Those towns include Marble Falls, TX, Kingsland, TX, Jarrel, TX and other outlining areas.

Infamous serial killers Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer and Theodore Bundy all have 13 letters in their names.

Microsoft will not be naming its next Office release as Office 13 (Microsoft shipped Office 12 (a.k.a Microsoft Office 2007) in November 2006) - the working title for the next release of Office (which includes Microsoft Exchange Server) is called Microsoft Office 14).

Corel released the successor to WordPerfect 12 as WordPerfect X3.

In a popular book, A Series of Unfortunate Events, there has been many cases of the number 13. It includes 13 books in the official series, 13 chapters in each book, and multiples of 13 in many of the things that happen. Even the last of the series was released on 13 October 2006, which is a Friday.

Friday April 13, 2004 - The asteroid 99942 Apophis (previously better known by its provisional designation 2004 MN4) passed within 30,000 km (18,600 mi) of the Earth, very briefly appearing as bright as 3rd magnitude. Apophis may have passed through a 400 m wide "keyhole," which may have put it on a collision course with the Earth in 2036.

In Codename: Kids Next Door, there is a jinx in the Kids Next Door who is numbered 13 (Numbuh 13).

In the town of Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania, 13th Street is hidden on Catherine Street, but on the minor street, Market Street, which goes past each road, ends at Fort McClure Blvd, not 13th Street.

Similar phobias

An elevator in a residential apartment building in Shanghai - floor numbers 4, 13 and 14 are missing.
An elevator in a residential apartment building in Shanghai - floor numbers 4, 13 and 14 are missing.

Tetraphobia, fear of the number 4 — in Korea, China, and Japan, it is not uncommon for buildings (including offices, apartments, hotels, hospitals, etc.) to have no 4th floor, and sometimes no floor having the digit 4 (14, 41, etc.) at all. Similarly-numbered rooms are also often omitted in any given floors in buildings. The Rio Suites Hotel in Las Vegas has 41 floors, but no 40th or 41st floor. The top two floors are numbered 50 and 51. Here it is only when 4 would be the first digit of a two-digit floor number that it is skipped, while they did not skip the 4th, 14th, 24th, or 34th floors. It is common to find no block number ending in 4 in residential complexes. The Chinese pronunciation for the words "die" and "four" are identical, save for tone: "Die" and "four," in Mandarin Chinese, are si3 and si4, respectively, and a similar situation occurs in Cantonese. In extension, the Japanese and Korean pronunciation of these two words derived from Chinese, causing the three cultures to share the same fear for the number four. Interestingly, "3" is often considered a lucky number in these cultures since the word "three," pronounced "san," is similar to the pronunciation of the word "live" or "survive" in Chinese and Korean. Thus sometimes the block number "3A" would be in place where the block "4" should be in some residential complexes. Chinese cellphone numbers containing a 4 are sold at a far lower price. More than half of all 7-digit telephone numbers contain a 4 (or any other digit for that matter) somewhere.

In Italian culture, the number 17 is considered unlucky. When viewed as the Roman numeral, XVII, it can be re-arranged as VIXI, which in Latin means "I have lived", the perfect tense, implying "My life is over." (c.f. "Vixerunt", Cicero's famous announcement of an execution.) In Italy, it is not uncommon to notice that buildings do not have a 17th floor, or hotels do not have a room 17. The Italian airline carrier Alitalia does not have a row 17 on its aircraft, and neither does German carrier Germanwings, which flies to many Italian destinations. Renault sold its "R17" model in Italy as "R177."

Weather Report

There was supposed to be a massive storm rolling through the Middle last night and today. I even got up at 5:30am to see if I was going to be able to get to work. And lo, fore the Lord (or what ever deity you believe in, I am going with universal spirit) shined upon our fair burg and spared us from the onslaught. There is now a 20% chance of snow so I will be able to go to Luz's birthday BBQ tonight and my dates this weekend. I am very happy.

I was watching TV last night and all my shows were doing clip episodes, which I like. A lot of people don't, but I do, it gives me a chance to catch up. But I digress...during said shows, the weather warnings and updates kept flashing across the top of the screen with incredibly long lists of counties soon to be affected by this huge storm. Pretty much every county or township in the Middle was listed so I was getting myself psyched up and ready. Then this morning when I saw that there was no snow (and my theory that all weather-people are morons was proved true once again) I crawled back into bed with my kitten and slept the sleep of a person content in their righteousness.

Now they say the storm took a sudden turn south, like it's making a uwy because it forgot something at home.


No snow, little bit of frozen rain, but still no snow!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Sometimes you Need a Slap

Sometimes you need a slap in the face and "snap out of it" screamed at you. Usually for me that comes in the form of Sister Hazel's "Change Your Mind."

Today, however, it came in the form of the LLS.

Thank you LLS for the metaphorical smack upside the head.

I really needed it.

The Drive Home

Nothing is better than a good mix CD on your way home, especially when the traffic is light. I had The Corrs, UB40, Take That. It was a good drive home.

After the Winks

I think I am done with Match. I did some winking this afternoon and if those don't work out I am done. Cancelling it all and going back to a proper single life of going out with my friends and stalking men in book stores. All that crap about people meeting their soul mate online is just that, crap. It only happens to a choice few and the rest of us are seriously disappointed and out 56 bucks.

I Love Being Lied To...

So, you know how Bachelor #2 "wasn't ready for a relationship"? Well, guess who has been on in the last 24 hours, changed his screen name and changed his pictures? Seriously. I could have handled: "you suck, I never what to see you again." But I don't like being lied to. Honesty is all I ask. Can I get that? NO!

I am tired of all this bullshit.

Snowy Songs IV

Probably Lyrics
» Lisa Loeb

I probably want to hold your hand
I probably want to kiss you
You'll probably misunderstand
I'll probably miss you
Lately it seem nothing's clear
I probably need my glasses
You come in and out of focus
I wonder if you notice

I probably love you
I probably love you
The grass is probably green
The sky is probably blue
I'd probably do anything for you
I probably love you

You probably know just what I'm thinking
You probably don't feel like I do
You probably think I'm crazy
It's probably true
Lately everything's changed
I hardly know who I am
My heart pounds
I can't sleep
I've come to this conclusion

What is it about you
That makes you different from the rest
You touch a part of me
I didn't know exsists

I probably love you
Probably do
I probably love you
I probably love you

Snowy Songs III

Bring Me Up Lyrics
» Lisa Loeb

I was quiet, and I was tired. and I wanted you to bring me up.
I wanted you to make it stop, yeah I wanted you to bring me up.
You were wrong, and I was right. and I wanted you to bring me up.
Hmmm you know me well, this is something that I shouldn't have to tell you.
We've shared humility and orange roses.
And poking fun at all our friends
They had their barbecues, we have our arguments.
We never can agree.
You said, "when you don't talk you take it out on me."
I was quiet, I was tired. and I wanted you to bring me up.
I wanted you to make it stop, yeah I wanted you to bring me up.
And you were wrong and I was right. and I wanted you to bring me up.
Hmmm you know me well, this is something that I shouldn't have to tell you.
We took a ride, on a motorbike. I couldn't talk to you, but my arms
Were wrapped around you tight. we stopped at Smokey's,
We parked the bike outside.
So scared to be sad, to keep the tears in
And I looked up at the sky and took another ride.
I was quiet, and I was tired. and I wanted you to bring me up.
I wanted you to make it stop, yeah I wanted you to bring me up.
And you were wrong and I was right. and I wanted you to bring me up.
Hmmm you know me well.
We had us, is that enough? and what is it worth to you?
We had us, is that enough? and what is it worth to you?
You said "it's worth everything and baby take a look,
It's worth all the pennies in my pocket."
But I was quiet, and I was tired. and I wanted you to bring me up.
I wanted you to make it stop, yeah I wanted you to bring me up.
I was quiet, and I was tired. and I wanted you to bring me up.
Hmmm you know me well, this is something that I shouldn't
Have to tell you.
I was quiet, and I was tired. and I wanted you to bring me up
I wanted you to make it stop, yeah I wanted you to bring me up.
So I was wrong and you were right.
Bring me home..

Snowy Songs II

The Way It Really Is Lyrics
» Lisa Loeb

I kept talking to myself
I had to get the words out of my head
So I did
You barely said a thing
You kind of heard me out and then you said

You said:
"You're crazy, why do you keep doing this?
Everything is fine."
Then I think, I'm crazy
I do this all the time
Until I start to think that nothing's even wrong

Maybe I am
Hiding in my own confusion
Maybe we're just
A picture in my head
Maybe what if it could be
The way I wish it really was
Maybe I don't wanna see it
The way it really is

Sometimes your intentions
Are totally impossible to read
What does that mean?
Sometimes even I
Have no idea what I need
I wish I did.

I'm crazy
Why do I keep doing this?
Everything is fine.
Then you think I'm crazy
I do this all the time
Until I start to think
That something's really wrong


Looking out my window
At the big blue sky
Lazy sun shining and so I run outside
To look for you
I look for you
And then it starts to rain

Maybe I am
Is that the way it really is?
Maybe we're just
A picture in my head
Maybe what if it could be
The way I wish it really was
Maybe I don't want to see it
The way it really is

[Chorus x2]

Maybe I don't want to see it
Maybe I don't want to see it
The way it really is
The way it really is
The way it really is
The way it really is

Snowy Songs

Garden Of Delights Lyrics
» Lisa Loeb

i see the lights move on the ceiling.
i see the stars up in the lights.
i see the moonbeams on your forehead there,
and i think about the garden of delights.

you see the curtains draped in front of me.
you see the sun come up alone.
you want to show me just what you can see,
and i, i turn away.

you see my face, you hate my words, i hate you too.
you see my heart, it likes the feeling that it gets when I'm with you.

i look right at your eyes, i look right through your eyes.
i change conversation thought for you.
i throw a look that you can't catch from far behind,
and you, you turn away.

you are my jesus boy, you're laying on a bedly cross,
i've got you taped up to the wall.
but really don't feel bad 'cause you do to me all the things i do to you.
i do to you.

i see the lights move on the ceiling,
i see the stars up in the lights.
i see the moonbeams on your forehead there
and i think about the garden of delights.

Thursday in April and it's Snowing

Fools Like Me Lyrics
» Lisa Loeb

Everybody go
The party's over
I want to be alone in my head
In my bed tonight
You never show

You must really love her
You think I don't know
But I do, yeah it's true
I think over is over

I'm right back where I started
(when it comes to wanting you)
I can't have what I wanted

But I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind
If love's a drug
It always is
It always was and
Love was surely made for fools like me

I know where I'm going
I'm tripping I'm sliding around
That's ok
At least I'm excited
It wasn't how I planned it
(wasn't how I planned it
Feet are where I landed
At least I understand it now)
My feet are where I landed
(feet are staying on the ground)

Fools like me
Fools like me

I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed

Maybe it's the sanest thing
Or just the sweetest kind of dream
But love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools like me

Victory Over Defeat

I felt very defeated yesterday, today I feel better, but not 100%. I'm not sick but it's snowing and snow makes me nervous. It's the slipping and sliding, the other cars slipping and sliding and yeah, I hate it unless I am at home and don't have to go anywhere. When I can wear fuzzy jammies all day and watch movies with Cocoa and hot cocoa. That is happiness.


Kurt Vonnegut is dead. I read him in high school (sophomore year) for a program I was a part of for honors students. Slaughterhouse-Five is a good book.

You Should Have Seen It

I was stopped at a light this morning on my way to work and I happened to look in my rear view mirror and guess what I saw? A full grown woman, really digging into her nose, looking at it and god knows what else. I mean she was really mining that nose job, I hope she didn't hit brain.

Seriously, you have to always be aware that someone could be watching you, especially when you are out in the broad daylight picking your nose.

Also, the FBI has a customer service division. What, if you don't like how you were arrested, you call and complain and maybe get a free hat?

For the only person who expressed any concern over my bad day, here is what went down:
Monday: Postage machine breaks mid day, this is not good, as this is the Monday following 2 weeks of training and we really need to catch up. Trip to post office and grocery store.
Tuesday: New machine has yet to arrive, another trip to the post office. Really crappy date that night.
Wednesday: New Machine arrives, try to log it in, errors occur (it's dialing the wrong numbers, not my fault), 3 calls to customer service, one where I am hung up on. Finally get that going, but it takes all morning. I finally get to go to the office supply store to drop off some documents to be bound and they don't have enough supplies to do the job so my one stop shop turns out to be a 2 store stop, plus I haven't had lunch yet and it's 2pm. I have to get ready for Karen's birthday thing.

Also I am at that point in the month where everything pisses me off (so not fun). And no one can drive in this state. In all their big Hummer/SUV/4x4 Truck-ness, they can't figure out that green means go and red means stop.

And it's going to snow tonight. It's all just very frustrating.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

You Know...

Just because you're cleared, doesn't make you innocent, it just mean you got away with it.

I'm Having A Crap Day

I hate drunk people and I hate sober people and I hate all the people today. And I hate short people and I hate tall people and I hate all the people today.

'Cuz I'm Havin a bad day. Havin' a bad day. Get out of my way. Cuz' I'm havin a bad day.

I hate horny people and hate corny people and I hate all the people today. I hate dumb people and I hate smart people and I hate all the people today. I hate my boss. And barbecue sauce. I just toss 'em all away.

I hate everybody They are monsters! I put them away. I close my eyes and dream of tomorrow. I wanna be alone! wanna b alone!

'Cuz I'm havin a bad day. Havin a bad day. Get out of my way. cuz I'm havin a bad day.

Cuz I'm havin a bad day. havin a bad day. get out of my way. Yeah get out of my way.

This is My Day

Seth Shapiro got his law degree
He moved to Brooklyn from Schenectady, '93
Got some clients in the food industry
He says it's not the money, it's the recipes

He calls his mom, says he's doing fine
She's got somebody on the other line
Puts Coldplay on, pours a glass of wine
Curls up with a book about organized crime

When it's late, and it's hot
And a date with the Late Show's all that you've got
Don't give out, don't give up
One of these nights you might find someone to love

Beth McKenzie got the job of her dreams
Retouching photos for a magazine aimed at teens
It's Thursday night she should be out on the scene
But she's sitting at home watching "The King of Queens"

There's something wrong that she can't describe
She takes the contacts out of her eyes
Sets the alarm for 6:45
So she can get a little exercise

When it's late, and it's hot
And an hour in the shower is the best that you've got
Don't give out, don't give up
One of these nights you might find someone to love

And you're not the only one who's lonely

Seth Shapiro is trying in vain
To hail a taxi in the morning in the pouring rain
Beth McKenzie sees one just up ahead
She cuts in front of him and leaves him for dead


A girl came into the Starbucks who looked just like the biggest bitch I ever knew, only taller and skinnier. I wouldn't be surprised if it was her and her parents had paid for lipo and bone lengthening. All they ever did was throw money at her.

It Was Real, It Was Bad, It Was Real Bad

I have denigrated from fun, hip coffee houses to Starbucks. And my dates have gotten progressively worse. I guess that’s what happens when you set the bar low and hope for the best.

At least the hot chocolate it good and the people watching is great…

Young kids trying to be cool on a Tuesday night…Business people just getting off of work, having a coffee before heading to the bar, where they proceed to get drunk and end up in bed together, as per usual.

For this is the joy of instant return consumerism: Order, give money, receive, enjoy, leave.

If I fokkin’ get stood up, that’s it, celibacy city.

Children should not have cell phones.

OK, its 8:03, my clocks are generally fast, just a few more minutes.

I smile at a stranger, he smiles and nods as he passes, that’s nice, he’s kind of cute.

People stroll past, alone, in pairs, in groups, with families, as I wait.

I go to the bathroom, hoping he’ll be there when I get back, he isn’t.

In all the months I worked at Starbucks back in high school, I never used the bathroom, it’s a nice bathroom.

He finally shows up, distracted. Not the best first impression. I am a big believer in punctuality even though I am frequently late. I get to my dates early for a reason. I took a 45 minute nap and I was still early.

He does not want coffee, we go to the Hard Rock Café for protein. I get a garden burger and he gets salmon. He spends most of the evening watching the music videos on the screens around the restaurant. I want to leave about 10 minutes into meeting him. But I stay and eat some of my burger (which I finished when I got home) and tried to talk to him. Not happening. We each pay for half the bill and leave. He does not offer to walk me to the garage where my car is parked, Thank God. He asks for my number, I say email is better. And I go home.

Thus endth my night.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Fruit Section

I finally learned what a kumquat is. It looks like a small orange testicle without a sac.

Which brings me to balls...

The plastic ones in the shape of testicles hanging off the back of so many trucks. For one thing, balls ain't pretty. That's not what I think of when I think of naked men. And the truck ones are usually blue. Do you really want to be associated with blue balls? That you aren't getting any?

Really people we must rethink our car decor. No more blue flame steering wheel covers. No more flowers everywhere. Fuzzy dice are ok. I will let those slide.


I have a date on Sunday. His name is Greg and he is planning the date. We talked on the phone last night for an hour.


I have a date on Saturday. His name is Daniel and we are meeting for coffee in Boulder.


I have a date tonight. His name is Matt and we are meeting for coffee.

Monday, April 09, 2007

All and Nothing

I have now seen all of Eddie Izzard's concert DVDs and since he is wonderful, I thought I would share some moments from those performances. Please enjoy....


Eddie: What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?

Eddie: I have no problem with homophobia. As long as they do it behind closed doors.

Eddie: Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.

Eddie: This is a 14th century Ming... thing. Made out of Ming by Mr. Ming during the Ming Period. If you don't like Ming, don't touch this one.

Eddie: I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash... it's much better.

Eddie: You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.

Eddie: When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'

Eddie: Remove your pajamas from your body. Tie knots in the arms and the legs and the head and the everything. And then whip them over your head very fast and then inflate them to the size and consistency of a small speed boat

Eddie: I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.

Eddie: I was very driven as a boy scout. Very driven. Driven everywhere I was.

Eddie: When I walk into a shop in a dress, I can see the fear in the shopkeeper's eyes. They can't deal with it. The signal goes through to the brain, "No information on this. Suggestions: Take all the Twixes out of the drawer. Sellotape all the newspapers together."
[as shopkeeper]
Eddie: "What-what do you want?"
[as himself, innocently]
Eddie: "I want a packet of crisps."
[as shopkeeper]
Eddie: "What, you eat crisps? Do you not want to shag crisps?"

Definite Article

Eddie: If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

Eddie: I've done a bit of Latin in my time... but I can control it.

Eddie: Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal... one horse dropped a shoe came in fourth... the duck came in ninth... five ran."

Eddie: You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is *fresh*! I will do well here' You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper and squeezy brushes do you? You'd think "This is a *poo* shop! Everything in here is made of *poo*! I'm not shopping here, I'm going to Azerbadjan!"

Eddie: D'you remember that famous fight, George Foreman against Muhammad Ali? Ah, it was brilliant. Dyslexic promoter put it on.

Eddie: Helloooo. Are you the people of Gaul? Wonderful, well we are the Romans... yes we are... I'm legionnaire, and this is our leader, Mr. Dog.

Eddie: Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, "Oh, would you like insurance?"

Eddie: [as Pavlov] Day 1: Rang bell, dog ate food. Very excited. Day 2: Rang bell louder dog even more food. Have become welsh. Day 3: Like speaking in Welsh so have decided to continue in that way, rang bell, dog ate so much that he explodes. Win Nobel dog prize at Crofts. But he never published his cat results did he? Oh yes they were hushed up. Day 1: Rang bell, cat fucked off. Day 2: Rang bell cat went and answered door. Day 3: Rang bell, cat said he eaten earlier. Cheeky bugger. Day 4: Went to ring bell but cat had stolen batteries! Final day, day 5: rang bell with new batteries but cat put his paw on bell so it made a 'thunk' noise. Then cat rang his own bell! I... ate food.

Eddie: My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.

Eddie: [Corinthians reading Saint Paul's Letter] "Never put a sock in a toaster...?"


Eddie: My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him. I want to walk in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this...
[Runs screaming]
Eddie: AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!

Eddie: Peter was the one who said "I don't know him. I don't know him. I don't know him." cock-a-doodle-doo "Oh, HIM!"

Eddie: We have toasters in this country... and they lie to us! For it has numbers from one to six and they lie to us!

Eddie: What exactly is an evil giraffe?

Eddie: If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!

[Depicting the end of the Trojan War]
Eddie: Goodbye! We give up! You win. We've left you a huge fuck off horse... as per usual.

Eddie: I like my coffee like I like my women... in a plastic cup.

Eddie: I like my women like I like my coffee... covered in beeees!

Eddie: This is your pilot speaking. Welcome to flight one from here to there. We'll be flying at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. My copilot today, is a flask of coffee.

Eddie: Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Look, there's Rod Stewart in first class!"

Eddie: The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and funny hats.

Eddie: Run! It's the clergy!

Eddie: Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?

Eddie: The same people who make toasters make showers. They have a turny button too, and that lies. It goes turn turn turn for hot, or turn turn turn for cold. But the only position we're interested in is in between there... and there. One nanomillimeter between extremely fucking hot, and fantastically freezing!

Eddie: Eddie: And after a while Noah realized he was actually punching a baboon uhhuuhhuuhhu. Get off me!uhhuuhhuuhhu. Stop Hitting me! What do you have against Baboons I'm not punching a baboon I'm sawing wood for an arc. A likely story

Eddie: Eddie:Izzz crazy... all the kids on vespas... no helmets... crazzy

Eddie: A problem of type 2094 has occurred... what the fuck is that... what does that mean... what are the 2093 problems I skipped to get to this one?

Eddie: I know one or two people have heckled, but I will kill you!

Eddie: When a bird gets sucked into an engine they call it "bird strike". It's not bird strike, it's "engine suck"!

Dress to Kill

Eddie: San Francisco! City of gleaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here, they built buildings with things.

Eddie: I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Eddie: If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

Eddie: I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.

Eddie: You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Burundi says do you want a cup of coffee, you're not supposed to go "
Eddie: I'm in here!"

Eddie: Most transvestites fancy girls.

Eddie: When you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy.

Eddie: What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdinck! Yes, that'll work.

Eddie: Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuck-head!

Eddie: Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that.

Eddie: We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!

Eddie: Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.

Eddie: And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"

Eddie: There's not much makeup in the army, is there? They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?

Eddie: You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT! That's a pretty good dream.

Eddie: We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Just sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a bloody flag, this is our country you bastard!" "No flag, no country! You can't have one. That's the rules... that... I've just made up! And I'm backing it up with this gun... that was lent from the National Rifle Association."

Eddie: You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"

Eddie: Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitte!"

[Re: The European Union]
Eddie: It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!

Eddie: Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and
[gasps, starts, then pauses and looks around, wide-eyed]
Eddie: go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always... I long for a grapefruit." Yeah. So, that's very much like the army.

Eddie: Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing... they don't even eat... flies!

Eddie: The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that.

Eddie: You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it!

Eddie: Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?

[about the Anglican faith]
Eddie: Vicar, I have done many bad things." "Well, so have I." "Well, what should I do?" "Well, drink 5 Bloody Mary's... and you won't remember.

Eddie: Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"

Eddie: We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!

Eddie: You know, if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. Its quite difficult.

Eddie: (to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas") 12 monkeys mating, 11 donkeys dancing, 10 pygmies farming, 9 socks a-swimming, 5 gold rings...

Eddie: The American national anthem I've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle. Cause you start strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit's a bit: (to the tune of the national anthem, where the words are "and the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air") And fish in the sky, and a big monkey pie.

Eddie: In the '30s, Hitler: Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War... Russian front not a good idea... Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid. Cause, you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it. Australasia, that was the one. Australasia. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up...

[about America]
Eddie: You are the new Roman Empire, you realize that? There's no one else going... So you've got vomitariums and orgies to look forward to. Let the President lead the way!

Eddie: I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.

Eddie: I didn't tell anyone at school that I was a transvestite, because I was afraid they'd kill me with sticks.

Eddie: Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They'd kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."

Eddie: [about being a transvestite] Running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you're up there. That's where it is. I used to keep all my makeup in a squirrel hole. Squirrel would keep nuts on one side and makeup on the other... sometimes I'd get up that tree and that squirrel'd be *covered* in makeup.
[mimes squirrel putting on makeup]
Eddie: "la... lala... la... Oh!
[mimes hiding makeup and starting to eat a nut]
Eddie: ... What? Fuck off!"... he seemed to say.

Eddie: If the movie made any kind of business in America, Hollywood would remake it and it wouldn't be anything like the original. It would be a Room with a View of HELL! Staircase of SATAN! Pond of DEATH! "What are ya doin' with the fuckin' matches! Always in here with the fuckin' matches!" "Hey, shut up! Hey, you fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife?" "I *am* your wife." "Don't matter! Don't matter! You fuck my wife?" "Yes, I fucked your wife. I am your wife and I fucked her" "Ahhhh... Oh no! Space Monkeys are attacking!" That's a part that wasn't in the original.
[mimes shooting guns that don't work, then dialing a phone]
Eddie: "Jeanne, I love you, even though you fucked my wife." BWOOOOSH!
[mimes eating popcorn and other snacks really fast]

[after telling a joke in French]
Eddie: For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was really fucking funny.

[about the building of Stonehenge]
Eddie: My God... We've pushed these stones for almost 2,000... 2,000 miles in this day and age... I don't even know where I live anymore.

Eddie: The Heimlich maneuver, developed by doctor Heimlich, who woke up one night obviously - a fist, a hand, hoocha, hoocha, hoocha... lobster. Yes,
[in German accent]
Eddie: Hilda, Hilda, wake up!
[in German accent]
Eddie: Ah, what is it doctor Heimlich?
[in German accent]
Eddie: Why are you calling me doctor Heimlich, I am your husband for fucks sake. Loosen up, don't be so fucking Prussian.
[in German accent]
Eddie: Well, what is it Gunther?
[in German accent]
Eddie: I have invented a maneuver...
[in German accent]
Eddie: What are you, a bloody tank commander now?

Eddie: And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.

Eddie: [about Stonehenge] And the Welsh were helping the druids carve the stones out of the very living mountain! "Fantastic! Building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea. It's a marvelous religion the druids have got, yes. A lot of white clothing, I like that." They'd smash out a huge stone and then they'd put tree trunks down to roll it along on..."Help you push 'em along, all right? It's not far, is it?" And the druids going, "Heave, everyone, heave, well done everyone. You're doing very well. You'll love it when you see it, I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special." After 200 miles, "You fucking bastard! You never told us 200 miles! Two hundred miles in this day and age? I don't even know where I live now!... I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!" And they set all the stones up and the druids are still tinkering around. "Ok, that stone and this one, can we swap them round?"

Eddie: Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.

Eddie: We play bad guys in Hollywood movies. Take, for example, "The Empire Strikes Back" from the Star Wars trilogy. The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going, "Oh... I... oh..." "What is it LeftTenant Sebastian?" "It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here." "My God, man! Do they want tea?" "No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag." "Damn, that's dash cunning of them."

Eddie: When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities."

Eddie: I had to go see a chiropractor in New York. And they're different from osteopaths because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though. "Chiropractor. Chiropractor. Ninety-three letters, 'chiropractor.'"

Eddie: [on the fog in San Francisco] It moves faster than the fucking taxis! Of which there are *five*!

Eddie: [talking about The Great Escape, and the geography/time errors of the film] If you don't know the geography, it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, Beirut, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, and then Switzerland...

Eddie: Because Darth Vader was only cool because he had that James Earl Jones voice. If he had a much more
[cockney accent]
Eddie: "Hello. Now look I'm Lord Vader and just pay a-bloody-tention, all right. Luke, the force is strong with you." "Is it?" "Yeah." "Well who told you that?" "I dunno, some bloke! Yeah, he said the force is really rather strong with you." "Well how strong?" "Um... as strong as a small pony." "Well, that's quite strong that is!"

Eddie: There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!

Eddie: [An Anglican sermon] Today's sermon is taken from a magazine that I found... that I found in a hedge. This season's lipstick colours will be in the frosted pink area - and nails to match... and this reminds me rather of our lord Jesus. Because, surely, when Jesus rode into town on a donkey... he must have gotten tarted up a bit.

Eddie: [Talking about Hitler] What a bastard. And he was a vegetarian and a painter, so he must have been going
Eddie: [mimics painting with frustration] "I can't get the fuckin' trees! Damn, I will kill everyone in the world!"


Eddie: There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.

Eddie: He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat.

Eddie: This is football we're talking about here, which you call bananas and you're reluctant to play it. But you play baseball, the World Series. You've won every year, America's won every year in that. Well done America.

Eddie: Whales are intelligent. They do whale song.
[imitates whale song]
Eddie: We don't know what it means. But I think whales are travelling at 78. They're travelling at 78 speed, if we take them up to 45 speed we'll find they're singing.
Eddie: I love you baby and if it's quite alright I love you baby, throughout the night, I love you baby, trust in me when I say.

Eddie: Other animals could have secret talents, like tigers might be good with banjos.

Eddie: The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.

Eddie: But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"

Eddie: It was the Renaissance. The Re-Naissance. French for "rebirth". And that's why everything happened slap-bang in fucking Italy. But they had a French name. It gave them a certain Je ne sais quoi, a certain savoir faire, a certain détante. A certain... cul-de-sac, a certain... Jacques Chirac. A certain... pomme de terre. A certain vie de la Dordogne. Fuck it.

Eddie: [Leonardo da Vinci] And he invented the helicopter... that did... not... work. And so did I! Yeah. Did not work.

Eddie: [as Jesus, talking about the last supper] Well, what would you have done?
Eddie: [as God] I would have done cheese and wine, cheese and wine goes together much better than bread and wine. "Eat this cheese for it is my body."
Eddie: [as Jesus] But it's Judea, Dad. Cheese melts.
Eddie: [as God] Alright then, "Eat this cheese for it is my central nervous system." Hmmmm. Alright, alright, "Now eat these chicken drumsticks, for they are my legs, eat these carrots, they are my arms, eat this tomato, it is my head, and eat these oysters, they are my kneecaps."
Eddie: [as Jesus] If you do that Dad, your holy community is going to have priests with big trays yelling, "Who ordered the Body of Christ?"

Eddie: What I'm talking about is blasphemy! Blasphe-you! Blasphe-everybody in the room!... hm. 6 person joke, that. There we go.

Eddie: [about Jesus] Christianity is his best film. That's where he was the 'Son of God'. Starring Jesus as the 'Son of God', where he said that famous line "Take your hands off her, you bitch!"

Eddie: They're not very good at naming Popes as well. They had a run of Piuses, it went like Hollywood, they had Pope Pius the first, the second, Pope Pius the third "The revenge of Pope Pius". Pope Pius the fourth, "This time he's pissed off." Pope Pius the fifth in 3D!

Eddie: During the second world war Pope Pius the 12th was supposed to apologise but did not apologise, he was supposed to castigate Hitler for being a genocidal fuck-head with bunny rabbit ears. Um, but he didn't say that; he wimped out, and he's been renamed now, as Pope Gutless Bastard the first.

Eddie: [about the Crusades] But they went down to get the Muslims out, the Islamic people out of Jerusalem, I believe it was that. And they were hacking into them 'I kill you! I kill you in the name of Jesus.' But the Muslim people 'No! Jesus is a prophet in our religion. We kill you in the name of Jesus.' 'Do you? I didn't know that. Jesus in your, oh right! Well I kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford." 'No he wasn't! He bloody was not! He was from Judea, dark-skinned man, such as we.' 'Really? Look, we've come all this way, would you mind awfully if we hacked you to pieces? Just for the press back home."